Focus, Fun, & Fishies!

This past week has been hard- the kind of hard where life sees you on the ground and just keeps kicking you.  As you probably noticed from the previous couple of blog post, our family has been going through a tough time recently.  Today was a much needed day.  What made today so special?  Well, it was the annual Focus day at the aquarium, of course!  

Special thanks to Lucy, Joy, and all the staff and volunteers.  You guys rock!!

Our family belongs to a wonderful organization here in Atlanta.  Focus stands for Families of Children Under Stress and it includes all families who have a child with special needs.  This group is AMAZING! Not only do they provide information and support for families like ours, they also bring the fun!  To tell you about all of the things this group does would take too much time, so I will direct you to the website if you would like more information.  The address is http://www.focus-ga.org/ . Check  it out!  If you are a special needs family- you need to be a part of this group.  If you are looking for a deserving organization to make a donation to, please consider this group.  

Aaron, the boys, and I signed in at the Georgia Aquarium at 8:30.  That is right!  The aquarium opened early just for our group!  We were able to explore the attractions for 1 ½ hours before they let in the general public.  That meant we were able to explore the exhibits before they became crowded.  In fact, by the time we went to the Ocean’s Ballroom for brunch, we had toured most of the aquarium.  Brunch was yummy!  Wolfgang Puck catering was responsible for the food and it was delicious.  

After lunch, we toured the frog exhibit.  (My sister would have died!)  We also caught the Dolphin Show.  The highlights for the kiddos were the penguins!  We had to go back to that numerous times and Joey spent a good part of the day explaining to me how he could adopt one of the penguins and keep it in his room!  Tyler loved the whales and the large viewing area.  

Aaron, Tyler, and Joey explore the Jellyfish

 

Do you know what the best part of the day was for me?  It was being with the other families.  There were wheel chairs , feeding tubes, meltdowns, screaming, and some fits. No one in focus blinked an eye.  Aaron talked to a woman in the brunch line.  She was about to fix a plate for her child and herself.  Sighing, she set her plate down and said her child was just going to have to sit while she fixed her plate.  She told Aaron she hoped he could do that quietly.  Aaron smiled and said, “Who cares if he gets loud?  We are focus and we’ve all been there!”  It was wonderful!

Logan becomes part of the exhibit

Joey and Logan "swim" with the penguins

Breakdown

My grandmother has always told me, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  Tonight, in a particularly emotional moment I found the following quote by Mother Teresa,

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

Last week, I was on the phone talking to my mom.  I was telling her about an incident with Joey and I got angry.  In despair, I cried out, “Why?!!  Why does God seem to put everything on me?”  Very quietly, my mom said, “I don’t know, sweetheart.”  

The truth is-She doesn’t know.  She doesn’t know what she can do to help me. How can she respond when her natural mom’s instinct is to fix everything? How can she respond to situations she can’t fix?  Doesn’t every family have its own unique challenges? Are mine more than others?  I know I only have to go and sit in the ICU unit at the Children’s hospital to see families dealing with far worse things than I am.    

Yet, tonight I want to scream out, I want to be angry with my creator for the challenges he has given me.  I want to cry and throw a tantrum.  I want to demand-yes, DEMAND to be given a reason why my heart is forced to break wide open over and over.  I want to see the future, the outcome, the purpose! 

You want the truth?  Here’s the truth-

I quietly observe the children of my friends who are the same age as Tyler.  I watch them argue with their parents over going out with friends and I am jealous!  Why do some parents get to deal with argumentative teenagers when I can’t seem to carry on a conversation past one sentence with my teenager?  Why do other parent’s get to worry about which is the best vitamin to give their Kindergartener when I am up researching ADHD medication side effects for my youngest son?  Why do I know the staff at the local urgent care center so well? 

There are days when I am tired-tired of dealing, tired of feeling as if everyone is looking to me to have the answer.  I want to sit in a small quiet room and just feel Aaron’s arms around me.  I don’t want to talk, just sit.  

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my kids.  There has never been a moment when I regret having them.  I would make the choice all over again for the chance to be their mom.  

I am tired of others looking into my life and saying, “You are so strong” or “I don’t know how you do it.”  I do it because I have to.  There is no option for me to not do it.  

So if I need to breakdown now and then, look the other way, and try not to judge.