Breakdown

My grandmother has always told me, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  Tonight, in a particularly emotional moment I found the following quote by Mother Teresa,

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

Last week, I was on the phone talking to my mom.  I was telling her about an incident with Joey and I got angry.  In despair, I cried out, “Why?!!  Why does God seem to put everything on me?”  Very quietly, my mom said, “I don’t know, sweetheart.”  

The truth is-She doesn’t know.  She doesn’t know what she can do to help me. How can she respond when her natural mom’s instinct is to fix everything? How can she respond to situations she can’t fix?  Doesn’t every family have its own unique challenges? Are mine more than others?  I know I only have to go and sit in the ICU unit at the Children’s hospital to see families dealing with far worse things than I am.    

Yet, tonight I want to scream out, I want to be angry with my creator for the challenges he has given me.  I want to cry and throw a tantrum.  I want to demand-yes, DEMAND to be given a reason why my heart is forced to break wide open over and over.  I want to see the future, the outcome, the purpose! 

You want the truth?  Here’s the truth-

I quietly observe the children of my friends who are the same age as Tyler.  I watch them argue with their parents over going out with friends and I am jealous!  Why do some parents get to deal with argumentative teenagers when I can’t seem to carry on a conversation past one sentence with my teenager?  Why do other parent’s get to worry about which is the best vitamin to give their Kindergartener when I am up researching ADHD medication side effects for my youngest son?  Why do I know the staff at the local urgent care center so well? 

There are days when I am tired-tired of dealing, tired of feeling as if everyone is looking to me to have the answer.  I want to sit in a small quiet room and just feel Aaron’s arms around me.  I don’t want to talk, just sit.  

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my kids.  There has never been a moment when I regret having them.  I would make the choice all over again for the chance to be their mom.  

I am tired of others looking into my life and saying, “You are so strong” or “I don’t know how you do it.”  I do it because I have to.  There is no option for me to not do it.  

So if I need to breakdown now and then, look the other way, and try not to judge.